Friday, October 10, 2014

Huge Announcements From MARVEL and A Brief Glimpse Of How I Think Politics Work...Apparently


   Oh Marvel, you're so skilled at making "Huge Announcements" that really don't say anything we didn't know already since the last "Huge Announcement" and yet, somehow, still effectively getting us all worked up like we learned some big revelation anyway. If only our politicians could deliver behind their slick talk the way you consistently do.

   I say we do away with the dated and proven useless concept of "presidents" and just put S.H.I.E.L.D. in charge of the country, which would mean the U.S. would be represented on the world stage by Nick Fury and Agent Phil Coulson,

arguably the coolest, no-nonsense, black dude/white dude one-two-punch that the country has to offer.     We could cut the entire military by up to 3/4 (and even then, they'd be relegated to rescuing cats out of trees) 

and use the defense budget to fund the antics of The Avengers. 
...and that's just the Movie team. If we assembled the whole team, in all its glory,
we'd have an unstoppable, albeit completely bizarre fighting force.

It's fool-proof. 
Who'd ever dream of getting in our shit? 
"Dr. Strange, we've received numerous complaints from the Vatican about a Gateway To Hell...
yes, I've tried explaining that you said it was merely a portal to another dimension,
but you know how those guys are once they've got an idea in their head."
 Hell, who would WANT to?  

You'd have whole cells of terrorist organizations just laying down their weapons and begging Thor to take a picture with them to show their wives. 
Some psychopath, who wants to show his undying affection for Jodie Foster 

(Do obsessed               crazies still threaten   lives for Jodie             Foster? 
  Ok, for                         consistency's sake, 
  let's just say it's
                                     Scarlett Johansson

pulls out an assault rifle in the middle of a mall. It looks like he's about to write her a love letter in the middle of the food court, using only the blood of innocent Christmas shoppers, when...


 Agent Clint Barton's been following your boy around for weeks, waiting for him to make his move... and guess what? 

Now the dude's walking around, bleeding, with a vibranium-tipped, mind-control arrow sticking out of his neck, compliments of Hawkeye, who made the shot from a rooftop three blocks away, just to do it.

Dude even had to shoot another arrow right before that one, with a little arm on it, to hold the door open.

     I'm just saying, ya'll, is it a prerequisite that the Secretary Of Defense be some stuffy old 
George-C.-Scott-ala-Dr.-Strangelove  looking motherfucker that just makes the rest of the world wanna come at us every time he opens 

his big, fat warmongering jowls or can we just stop lying to ourselves and universally agree that Tony Stark is the man for the job? 

Can you even start to comprehend the astronomical jump in C-SPAN's ratings?

...What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah. It's New York Comicon weekend and Robert Downey Jr. dropped mad hints this week that Marvel was gonna drop mad hints this weekend about the next two phases of the MCU master plan and that's obviously got me a little bit excited. To be perfectly honest, I'm betting it's gonna be something we all already knew, but like I said, they just have this way of making even old news sound like some glorious revelation and before anyone has a chance to say, "Hey, wait. They already told us that a few months ago." they'll have that triumphant Avengers theme cranked and the whole cast will be holding hands, raised over their heads in heroic solidarity and all the nerds who were in attendance will cheer wildly, many of them shedding tears of rapturous elation while us nerds at home, watching it all second-hand on youtube, trying to make out who's who in the half-inch slit of video (cause you know the one asshole who was able to sneak an I-Phone out and film the whole thing, is also the one asshole who doesn't know to hold the stupid thing horizontally) clutch ourselves tightly as a wave of chills passes through our bodies only to crash against the rocks of realization: I just sat through an hour of Joss Whedon, Kevin Feige and all of the Avengers cast who cared to show up, take turns congratulating each other for being so awesome, reveal absolutely nothing, disguised as ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and bow dramatically while the rest of us dashed off to the internet to be the first to report that they said nothing new but it was "totally badass". That's right. You heard it here first... and now, the actual news: 
Why Marvel Teaser Announcement Game Changer

Peace... or the extreme lack there-of,