Saturday, August 12, 2006

The Audition


"Love" is such a bullshit, misused word. It is somehow credited with being responsible for the best and worst life has to offer. I'm not some sniveling, punk-ass kid saying, "love is dead" and all that serious shit. I just think that more people are in "love" with the IDEA of "love" than actually have any idea what to expect FROM "love".
Humans are codependant animals. Why do you think so many of you live life on a cell phone? "I hate them, but I really do need it for (insert diagnosis here)." Actually pay attention sometime...MOST people you see walking in a mall are talking to someone about things that NO ONE should give a rat's ass about, MUCH LESS the person on the other end, who is already ADHD and having a FUCK of a time navigating the insane traffic-circus of other assholes with cell phones stuck to their head, trying not to kill each other in busy intersections while driving with one awkwardly positioned hand.
This being Myspace, I'm sure we've all seen our share of bulletins from lonesome souls who have just broken up with someone they "loved" or "thought they loved". These aren't usually aimed at fishing for a little sympathy, which would only be human, but more to inform their next candidate for possible "love" that they are now taking numbers. They insert their IM or a BOYFRIEND APPLICATION suddenly appears in the blogs.
Damn near every single person in the demilitarized world puts themselves in line to audition for the part of someone else's significant other every day. You can lie and say you're too cool for all that, but that's just part of your act and you're secretly hoping it'll gain you some points with the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your thing). Instinctually, we all have that need to have a constant companion to prove we really do exist. Ever noticed how some people can't sit quiet during a movie or even one song...even if you point it out to them? I used to tell my last roommate that it was like he was scared we'd all forget he was there if he just sat still and created no output for too long. Communication is a beautiful gift. Language is limited. Sometimes just shutting the fuck up for a little while can be very enlightening and who knows? Maybe you'll actually HEAR something without just waiting for your next turn to talk.
So, you may ask yourself, if 3D got it so together, then where's HIS girlfriend/wife/soulmate/whatever? yes, I am a romantic. No, I don't ONLY watch Godzilla movies and  pretend to be from another dimension. I've had several girlfriends who either broke it off with me or had to listen to whatever wack-ass reason I had for breaking it off with them. I'm not a real cool kinda boyfriend. I'm affectionate and silly and I like cuddling and all that gay shit... I totally have no reason to be alone except that my dreams and my ideals cause me to not take certain things as serious as some would prefer I did and also, some girls are really just confused by the way I talk and can't let down their guard around me cause sometimes I come across kinda abrasive. Whatever. I don't feel the need to have to explain myself constantly to someone who doesn't understand me anyway. I've already learned that lesson.

No, I don't have it figured out and yes, I do wish that I had my dreamgirl to roll around with and be silly and hold hands and pick gay little flowers and dance with the cartoon bunnies...'s just that I really want HER and not just "love" and I find it impossible to settle for "love" because my definition of "love" goes completely against settling and, eventually, regretting it and holding it against someone who isn't even at fault...someone who I have betrayed by pretending to "love" in that way that people in romantic novels and Julia Roberts movies do, when, in truth, i merely "loved" the experience of sharing myself with someone who shared themself with me...which is, to me, a much more accurate and definite description of "love". I "love" Bjork for the way her voice makes me feel. It's real "love". I'm not just saying that. It enriches my life. You Goddamn right, I "love" things that inspire me or FORCE me to react in some way.
The movie, AUDITION, overwhelmed me. I just wanted everything to work out. I just wanted those poor, lonely people to find their "love" and be happy, even as I felt the plot slowly slip-sliding away from that possibility. I "loved" the disturbed feeling in my stomach as it spiralled more and more out of control. I "loved" every minute of the 2 hours I spent watching it.
I "love" the present and try my hardest to exist in it without always anticipating the future or dwelling on the past. I don't think I'll ever be 100% successful, but you gotta have goals, you know? It's lonely as fuck being me, but at least I got myself and I like me and don't need constant "love" from my peers to validate my existance. I'm pretty good company, I think.
So that about wraps up my thoughts on Takashi Miike's AUDITION. glad I could make all that so crystal clear.
Now piss off so I can go out and contradict myself as usual.

Friday, August 4, 2006


I'm a 100% combination of conspiracies, caterwalling through cataclysms,
describing what i see, lyrically,
my 10% of me is 90% free,
and that other 10% is wz3d.
I'm a carbon-based movie database, and if I don't know it I can find it,
when you see me, I wear my humanface,
when you turn away I jump from behind it,
look straight into the sun and blind it,
grab the moon up in my palm, and remind it:

That only 10% of me is the part I know is me
and the rest runs the robot and I took off without the keys,
and i'm still figuring this shit out, so if we collide, pardon me,
I woulda put this thing together different, if it were up to me.