Monday, June 19, 2006

The War Inside My Head (The Contradictions That Make Me Who I Am)

*coffee in the house, fool!! I went without for a week or so, but that shit's over. Here's my celebratory blog, which stems from a recent discussion/argument. If I offend anyone's lifestyle, fashion choices, religious beliefs, politics, etc...KISS MY ASS!!!!!! Ihat's cause i got my coffee back and being nice falls back by the wayside where it belongs...nah, just lighten up. I always seem to get more shit on myself than the rest of the audience, so just pretend I'm GG Allin and beat the crap outta me if I make you feel stupid and remember: AT LEAST YOU AIN'T GOTTA BE ME.*

"You're a walking, talking collection of contradictions, ChrisWyble." (oooooohh, I hate when people call me by my first & last name like it's all in one word...unless it's during sex, which is kinda neato.)

YES I AM!!! so, to save anyone else the effort of trying to point out why my contradictions make me not as "real" as them, I'll come right out and list as many as I can possibly think of.

1) I was raised Baptist and referred to myself as one until the day I realised that I had made up my own religion and found that it suited me better. I don't believe in God as that guy with the beard and the list of Who's-Going-To-Hell-Who's-Going-To-Heaven. I DO however, believe in God, way more than I did when I was in church. I think most Aetheists are boring (and copping out a little bit). I also think Satanists, Pagans & Wiccans should step back, look at the big picture of "Life, The Universe & Everything" and realize how bored they are. If I'm gonna "worship" something, it ain't gonna be the dying rock I'm currently stuck on, it ain't gonna be The Ancient Ones that some old caveman made up to scare his tribe into following him, and it sure as fuck ain't gonna be The Devil, cause all that shit's weak...and I know there's those Satanists that consider it a religion of the self, blah, blah, blah...why call it Satanism, stupid? I've already used the KKK comparison. Don't call it the KKK if you're trying to get people to accept it as some other shit. It's like you entered a car race with a flat tire.
So, yeah. I'm a godless heathen...who prays...every night. I don't say the rosary or some creepy shit like that, but I do believe that something hears me. Maybe it's just my observer self that's driving the wz3d-bot and it already knows all the shit I'm gonna say. It makes me feel closer to it and strengthens my faith in the universe. Is it habit from my Christian days? Probably, but I don't regret being raised in church. I think it was a good foundation to learn what I really believe and have faith in. I think The Bible has alot to offer and should be read, but I definately don't think ANY of the ancient documents of all the religions in the world should be held as socially relevant in 2006. Dogma is a God-Killer.

2)I think Death Metal is fucking stupid, and yet, some of my favorite Death Metal bands are: Bolt Thrower, Napalm Death, Death, Obituary, Sepultura (before Max turned into "Capt. Tribal" and again after he left), Cannibal Corpse (only the Chris Barnes days), Fear Factory (before they went pop), Nocturnus, and some others that slip my mind right now, but that's not the point. Why sing like a monster ALL THE TIME? Dudes at a Death Metal show: why do you show your appreciation by imitating the singer? Am I the only one who thinks this is the funniest phenomenon to ever strike the music world? I've done it. I know. The song ends, as quickly as it began, and half the crowd holds their fist out, not in the air, but in front of them, like they're showing you the size of their make-believe erection and roars: "RRRRRROOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!"
Local Death Metal cats, I apologize if you've seen me at your shows, half-suffocating cause i can't stop laughing. Maybe I just grew out of it and part of the price of aging is the self-righteousness that comes with no longer being able to relate to something you used to love, but it just seemed alot more fun and METAL back in the day. Now it's mostly indecipherable riffage and completely boring. I also like "Dead By Dawn" by Deicide a WHOLE MUTHAFUCKIN LOT, but i think they're one of the girliest things to ever happen to American metal. Speaking of girly, I think Black Metal is the Satanic equivalent of Petra or Stryper and dressing up like a dead body when it's not Halloween takes away your right to argue when the other kids make fun of you. that said, I LOVE SLAYER!!!! I was kinda scared of Slayer when I first saw the cover for Reign In Blood. I listened to it once and gave it back to the guy who said I'd love it and said, "not for me." I was 13 and still thought of The Devil as that guy with the pitchfork waiting for you to fuck up so he could zap you off to hell. Something kept me thinking about what I'd heard, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, until I finally told the dude to loan it to me again. I fell in love with that shit. I immediately ran out and bought Hell Awaits, Haunting The Chapel & Show No Mercy. I think Slayer is so blatantly Satanic (the cool kind, with all the blood and guts and apocalyptic imagery and none of the faggery), and so obviously having a blast with it, that the band's like a giant middle finger pointed straight at...well, everything. Me and my friends were so into the insane lyrics, we'd write 'em down on our school books and shit and get in trouble. It was the first time i was ever forced to think about "How Do I Really Feel About This? How Do I Really Feel About All This Blasphemy and Devil's Armies And Crap Like That? These Are The BadGuys, Right?" I find that it helped my spiritual growth. I think Slayer, more than any other band, ever, forces so much of what we were told NOT to think about into a little boy's head at once, that we see the absurdity of it all quicker than the kids who grew up with those weird thoughts that they felt condemned for thinking. It's fucking science fiction. We're all sickos, Doc. It's admitting it and moving on with your life, that makes you a real person...and less likely to become the next famous serial killer for the younger generations to idolize solely because they require some anarchy in their lives and can't imagine anything better.
I loved Pantera for the most part, but evidently not as much as every other band that has formed since "Vulgar Display..." cause it sounds like Phil Anselmo sings for every one of them...until the chorus, and then they all wanna sound like the dude from Linkin Park. Is that the same dude? Do most metal bands nowadays have a heavy-verse-singer and a melodic-crybaby-chorus-guy? This sucks worse than when Acid Bath hit and every metal singer in South Louisiana wanted to imitate Dax Riggs. I like Dax's voice too. Kudos to that muthafucka, but if you can't sing WELL, then stick to screaming and growling, cause there's me in the back of the crowd again, laughing at you and wishing I could stop and just be nice. It's involuntary. Make all the fun of me at my shows you like. I deserve it. I'm an aging, white rapper, for the most part. For God's sake, if you can't find a joke somewhere in there, you don't deserve to feel offended at my hysterics.

3) I want the world to be this ideal place that I imagine it being. I think everyone should just drop what they're doing and help each other out and stop fighting and realise that WE'RE ALL so full of shit that it doesn't make ANYTHING worth fighting each other for. I know that's impossible. It's what made the hippies the hippies and it's why there's still so many of 'em and they still haven't done a fucking thing yet. You know where the hippies came from? When the muthafuckin WEATHERMEN took over the DS and eventually declared WAR on the American Government and millions of idiots around the country stuck their silly little fists in the air and said, "HELL YEAH! WE'RE BEHIND YOU!" until the support and the "movement" got so strong that the Weathermen made the mistake of having faith in the strength of "the people" and planned the "Days Of Rage" where the millions would gather and DEMAND that the Vietnam War would be stopped, by any means necessary. They meant it too. Violence was not ruled out. In fact, it was anticipated.
How could the government turn millions of their own away?
This was sure to be the victory of the people.
Like, a hundred and something people showed up. OUT OF MILLIONS!! They marched anyway and got their asses kicked and hosed and arrested and, shortly after, went underground. There's more to it than that, but this ain't about that. This is about the fact that people saw inspiration in the few who would stand up and say something like that. They felt the power of possibility. They all latched on to "the movement" and dropped acid and fucked each other silly and made tie-dye everythings and quit washing and when it was time to fight, they all sold the fuck out. It is at that moment, in any trend, that you are forced to admit that you were riding the fashion statement and had no intentions of actually backing up what you said. Thus...hippie.
I learned from Star Trek and Godzilla to have faith in the future. Money will cease to be the driving motivation for every single action made by a human. People will actually strive toward a common good and end the universal quarantine that Earth has been under since day one. What self-respecting alien species would be interested in fucking with our backwoods hick asses?
Of course, none of this'll probably happen till EVERYTHING gets knocked down. Not the World Trade Center. Not Hiroshima or Nagasaki. Not Chernobyl. Not Long Island (not ALMOST Long Island?). 
There is no aborting this timeline. We seem to require a clean slate. It all gotsta go. If and when Mankind evolves from whatever primordial ooze we've created, they'll have gained an inherent wisdom (and possibly a little plastic in their skeletons). Whatever remains of our art and historical documents will be the new bible. HERE'S WHAT NOT TO DO. Either that or there'll just be those who were born with the unexplainable knowing-of-many-things. I can't make this all up by myself.
I ain't in the mood to blow nuthin up today. I got all kinda shit to do. I got plans.
I like to think of myself as more of an OBSERVER than a participant in this "human" game.
Whatever. Does that make me a hippie? Probably.

4)I'm a movie freak. Old and new. Domestic and foreign. Any and all genres, but especially horror and sci/fi, the two obnoxious, kid siblings of all the other genres. I dig through movie bins like DJs dig through record stacks. When i go to someones house and they have a collection or even just a stack, I immediately size it up. Instinctively. Like a Magic Card nerd. The current wave of remakes makes my favorite movies look as  cheap and interchangeable as the McDonald's commercials starring Jennifer Aniston they pump out at the masses. Before Dawn Of The Dead '04, I woulda thought you could stick the original George Romero classic back in the theater, maybe pretty it up in 5.1 and knock most modern horror shows dead. I didn't realise, until AFTER the enormous positive response, how boring and ineffective the original was in the eyes of many of my so-called peers. This also, of course, explained the necessity of remaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Assault On Precinct 13, The Fog, The Omen, Day Of The Dead, Halloween, The Crazies, and a buncha throw-aways that i could give a shit less about anyway (The Hills Have Eyes, When A Stranger Calls,etc.). Also, there's The Ring (not so bad), which was America's version of the Japanese hit, Ringu...for simple-folk who can't figure out why everybody don't speak American, or just can't stop laughing cause it sounds funny when people talk in other languages. Ju-On became The Grudge, was directed by the same director, and, I gotta admit, I loved that he obviously made a Japanese horror movie into an American one set in Japan. Different movie techniques scare us and those guys. I like things like that about the world.
Infection, a scary-ass hospital thriller that Tony 5kratchere showed me is soon to enter pre-production in the states.
Tom Cruise's production company bought the rights to The Eye, a Korean film, a long time ago, and i haven't heard when it would come out, but I'm pretty  sure somebody writing The Mothman Prophecies mighta skimmed over a couple pages.
Oldboy got bought up earlier this year and now...Battle Royale. in-fuckin-sane. If you've never seen Battle Royale (2000), it's the story of 42 Japanese students on a bus, who are drugged and wake up on a maximum security island and told that they have 3 days to kill each other until there is only one left, who may, in turn, go free. All of their parents have been informed and have consented. It's a government sanctioned operation (called the BR Act) in reaction to the increasing violence and general unrest of the country's youth. They are each wearing a necklace that can blow out their throats at the push of a button on a remote or if more than one are still standing after 3 days. They are each given a duffle bag with some small food rations and a random weapon. When i say random, i mean one gets a sub-machine gun and the next gets binoculars.
All this might sound absurd, but it's all taken very seriously. The initial reactions of the students is also one of disbelief and their former teacher, now captor (played by Takeshi "Beat" Kitano) shuts down any suspician that this is all a joke or just idle scare tactics very quickly and effectively.
The rest of the film is an emotional, violent roller-coaster. Every character is 3-dimensional and convincing. Every relationship between the schoolmates is explored and confronted. Add to this the fact that this is obviously a big budget movie with gigantic cinematography and a score that sounds like it was performed by a thousand peice symphony orchestra, the cast is filled with A-List Japanese Teen actors and popstars...and they're slaughtering each other in more brutal ways than you've probably imagined by now, and you get this question: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AMERICAN STUDIO GONNA DO WITH THIS MATERIAL?
Paul Verhoven is rumored to be attached to direct and , if I were to agree with any of this, it'd probably be him. If you look back at Robocop & Starship Troopers, he's really the guy to revisualize something this hugely absurd and still force the audience to take it seriously.
But...WHY? The movie is fucking beautiful. It looks like a big, Spielberg epic. It's action-packed. It's full to the top with explosions and guns ricocheting around the theater. It's only 6 years old and it looks and sounds bigger and better than shit that came out last year. I found it to be much more entertaining than Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and that made a bundle over here.
Because the mainstream movie-going audience is perfectly, safely, in the palm of the Media Corporate Elite. How can i say that? Because the people who make the movies own the theaters and Hollywood is owned by Wal-Mart and Wal-Mart knows: If they own ALL the country's advertising, then people will only be aware of what they tell them is there for them to consume. Have you seen the trailer for Battle Royale on t.v.? No American retailers sale the DVD except for some small private shops. Quentin Tarrantino's Rolling Thunder hasn't bought the rights to it to release here like the far inferior, Hero. Entertainment Tonight didn't do a special "making of" segment about it...
But it's a wild idea, no? So...we take out the political taboos, unbalance the moral equation of the students so audiences can have good guys and bad guys, and figure out a way to save a few more kids than...I can't tell you the ending...but you see why it would have to be a watered down version, right? What sniveling American Teen Actor/American Idol Winner has an agent that's gonna put this on their desk?
This can not and will not be the same film and i think it's a Goddamn shame that the average moviegoer does not have the option.
Whew...where was i?
Oh yeah.
While i'm at it...I think John Carpenter's remake of The Thing is brilliant and superior to the original in every way. I also think this of Cronenberg's The Fly, Terry Gilliam's The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen (which had already been done 4 times, starting in 1911), Tobe Hooper's Invaders From Mars, and some others i don't feel like remembering right now.
I don't find Peter Jackson's King Kong to be superior, but, rather, equivalent of the original story. I understand his motivations for making it and i think it's all up there on the screen. It's definitely a work of passion and it perplexes me that Chronicles Of Narnia overshadowed it so totally.
I think it's Jackson's masterpeice.
A fucking remake.

*and that's all. i'm perfectly normal in every other aspect of my life. Peace be witcha.-

Friday, June 9, 2006

Flipping Asteroids Never Felt So Good

I didn't realize my life was a video game till I was already on my 3rd man,
and jumping over the same fiery pit, with the same enemy shooting,
with the same lasergun in my hand,
and everything just sort of locked into place,
the building, the music, the plot, the graphics, the interface,
the unyielding pace,
somehow, I knew which holes to jump over and which ones to crawl into,
and which enemies to bounce on the heads, or creep up on like I'm Tenchu,
and i aced all that first level bullshit that I'd been through before,
and finally got to level 33, inserted my keycard and opened the door,

and what's in store?
I don't know and I'm all outta saves, and the difficulty settings
from here on are for filling graves, and recruiting other slaves,
and all those close shaves?
I used to brag about 'em, like that was just some tricks that i played
on Death,
like: "I'm the one fuckin this monkey, so ya'll suckas gotta save ya'll breath",
like: "awareness of The Cube makes me stronger than The Cube,
and all this is just a test",
but, you can't apply your awareness to Robitron 2084,
you gotta keep runnin and shootin till you the best.

and i'll be the best,
I ain't gonna beat the game, I'll flip it,
cause I don't wanna see the big explosion and the helicopter flying,
I wanna scream, "THAT'S RIGHT, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
while I continue to rip it.
and I'm still playing by the same rules but the odds grow steadily against
any chance that my reflexes'll keep gettin faster and faster
as the program's missiles seek holes in my defense,
and I try to counteract and push forward, but the pummeling must commence,
I've already let the other bunkers go,
and we'll see if this one gets minced,
but there ain't no way I'll throw up my hands,
and watch 'em tear down my fuckin fence.